The Diwali lights are spreading their joy across the streets, the crackers on their ever high and the people bustling around here and there. It’s a street full of joy, light and energy. The lights are always magical and crackers, a mode of insane energy and happiness. As I watch them from the comfort of my balcony, I can feel the void within me. A loss of somebody closet can cause a deep void that becomes a part of your life. They say time heals, and it does. It teaches you to keep going beneath chaos and grief.
Why do I write about the void or grief? Because I read somewhere that sometimes pain does push you into a zone, which you would have never dared to explore. The zone, I got pushed was discovering my own SELF.
Many of us, spend most part of our life, identifying ourselves with relationships or work we are attached to. Somewhere somehow, the relationships/work/etc. shadows us from some part of ourselves, if we don’t balance it out. Does this sound a bit off track, I used to think so, but now I don’t. I would not call it a mistake or stupidity or any. This is part of our journey where we learn, re-learn and one day un-learn all of it to become a better self.
Losing one of the most important person in my life put me in a place, where I felt some part of identify/goal taken away from me. It’s like the shedding process. Suddenly it bares yourself to you. Strange ain’t it? You are left in the midst of the road wondering what you were supposed to be. The toughest battle I feel for a human is to face her/his own self. If you keep looking at yourself in a mirror for a very long time, you might actually start fearing yourself … LOL …
Strange is human, the mind and the heart. I have un-learnt a lot of my lessons over the period of grief. The key lesson was to separate me and the other and to see each other as individuals rather than a merged version. It gets tough when the critical layer of your identity sheds itself out and bares yourself, but then you understand that you grow it back but this time it is not shadowed but its your own.
This Diwali, I would not have lit lamps or burnt crackers or made the traditional snacks, but I have embarked on the journey of discovering my SELF, life in its own entirety and gratitude to the man who gave me life and taught me that new starts can be made from scratch. He is not with me, the void is and some voids if you watch closely are your strength.